Dating App Roulette #3

Jackpot?? Nope.

Illustration by Jaelen Brock

Anddddd we’re back for round 3. It’s been awhile since I’ve done a round up of the maybe, the no way in hell, and the please delete my account now montage of dating app profiles (if you’re new to The Serial Quiller, welcome! You should read #1 and #2, if only to share in my pain).

At this point, I should probably admit that dating apps have become less of a tool, and more of a social experiment I keep running, despite mounting evidence that I should just pull the plug. Yet, here we are — another round of Dating App Roulette, where the matches are dubious, and the conversations start with mild curiosity, but usually end with me questioning my life choices.

If love is a numbers game, then statistically speaking, I should have hit the jackpot by now. Instead, I keep pulling the lever, watching the same archetypes roll past — Mr Situationship, Mr Emotionally Unavailable, and Mr "I’m Still Figuring Things Out".

At this point, I’ve pretty much accepted my fate. The wheel is spinning and the chat bubbles are loading - are you ready to dive headfirst into another round of unhinged screenshots?

I’m hoping you money too 🤑💸

There is nothing humble about this brag. Also, the lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Not funny, nor the flex you think this is. (Also, he definitely looked his real age 😏 If not older.)

Again. Nothing says “I’m chill” like aggressively insisting you’re chill.

Boorish? Banal? Baffling? Boo 👎🏼

If you read my previous catfish article, you’ll know that this is a potential red flag 🚩🙅🏻‍♀️ Also giving passport bro.

OK, I kinda loved this one, but I am a sucker for dad jokes.

This one also made me laugh out loud. Possibly because I, 1. can relate, and 2. love me some good ol’ self-deprecating honesty.

I genuinely have no words. I do know I felt extreme distaste and revulsion upon reading this. Also, “I show I care by really caring”??? Really??? Immediate left swipe, thanks. But not before I screenshot to share with all of you, of course.

It might actually have been a really great travel story, but perhaps not the best anecdote to share on a dating app? Also during a job interview. Or.. ever.

And so we end with a final amusing little number. It amused me in any case. I hope it does you too.